My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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