Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i've created a new STD.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
