My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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