Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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