Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
