It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
