last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
