How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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