The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
