wrigley field is MILF paradise
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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