just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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