My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
