They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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