Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
