Christians are straight up FREAKS
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
