my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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