i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
The best revenge is premature balding
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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