I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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