2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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