Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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