I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
one two three fourrrrnication!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
