we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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