I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
