Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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