Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
