I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
