you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
