Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
