i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
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The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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