if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
