The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
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After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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