I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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