the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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