I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Im part way to drunk.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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