Someone shit on the floor
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
