If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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