you have to choose: penises or morals?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
