drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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