I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
