Screwed.edu
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
