I heard we made out
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
