Who wears a wallet chain?!
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
