I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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