which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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