i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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