Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
