sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
