So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
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When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
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My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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