you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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