If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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