Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
