You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
