By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
