You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
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The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
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I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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