Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
