Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
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the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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