Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
