If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
