I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
