I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
