he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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