Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
